Causes of autistic burnout: social demands

This is part 2 of my burnout series. For part 1, have a look at:

Burnout vs. autistic burnout

Autistic burnout is not very well understood. So in this and upcoming articles, I will go into depth about the numerous reasons autistics get burned out, and I will share the lived experience of autistic burnout of five autistics including myself.

Causes of autistic burnout

There are numerous reasons autistics get burned out, including:

1. Social demands
2. Camouflaging
3. Living in an unaccommodating society
4. Being autistic in a non-autistic world
5. Double empathy
6. Social rejection & lack of social connection
7. Sensory experiences^[1]“I’m Trying to Reach Out, I’m Trying to Find My People”: A Mixed-Methods Investigation of the Link Between Sensory Differences, Loneliness, and Mental Health in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults (Quadt et al., 2023)
8. Coping with change
9. Coping with anxiety
10. Demands outweighing coping abilities
11. High personal expectations (autistic brain reviews everything that it has done wrong)
12. Exhaustion and energy depletion (energy management)
13. Lack of progress academically and at work

In this article, I will cover social demands.

Cause #1: social demands

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest study to date on happiness. In brief, the study started by looking at a group of men (one of whom was John F. Kennedy) to see what factors affected happiness.^[2]Harvard Grant Study of Adult Development: 1938–2022 (Fuchsman, 2023) When millennials were recently surveyed, 80% said money and 50% said fame. The study however found that meaningful healthy connection was the key to happiness. In addition, connection protects people from health conditions such as cancer, stroke, heart disease, and memory loss.

There is a myth that autistics do not need social connection. Like all human beings autistics need social connection. According to a study from 2023, autistics experience greater levels of loneliness as well as more acute distress when they are lonely.^[3]“I’m Trying to Reach Out, I’m Trying to Find My People”: A Mixed-Methods Investigation of the Link Between Sensory Differences, Loneliness, and Mental Health in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults (Quadt et al., 2023) Autistic adults are more likely to experience loneliness than non-autistics.

That said, social demands can be overwhelming and cause burnout for us. What exactly are social demands? A social demand is an implicit or explicit expectation that you will interact, be present, or participate in some activity with other people. Autistics and non-autistics have very different social demands. We tend to prefer parallel play.

Five autistic people

Below are short descriptions of the 5 autistic people whose answers we will cover in this article:

Do you find social demands overwhelming? If so, in what way?

Natalie’s experience

Autism, alexithymia, anxiety; cis-female; age 54; diagnosed at 46

Social demands cause a lot of stress for me. I minimize them by avoiding people. I only have autistic people in my life and two family members who are not autistic but but understand me quite well. I was getting so overwhelmed with people asking to spend time with me, and getting upset because they felt upset that I did not have the energy for it. Social demands are also stressful because they cause me to feel anxious, resentful, and guilty all at the same time. I tend to avoid things that cause anxiety, overwhelm my senses, and disrupt my routines. I have very little time to myself as I spend time with my partner, best friend and son daily. I also have a lot of caretaking for Pluto (my 21-year-old dog). Then there is research and writing, and assessing patients. There is really not much time left after that. When I am in social situations with anyone non-autistic I immediately have to read and interpret their body language and facial expressions, make eye contact, be zesty, and make small talk. So even a short amount of time interacting with others leaves me exhausted.

Eva’s experience

Autism, ADHD, alexithymia; trans; age 35; diagnosed at 25

Yes, I can get overwhelmed by social demands, from going to a party and having to be sociable, to having to call people. Even emailing colleagues is really overwhelming to me. I now have weekly meetings with my assistant who acts as my support on the phone while I respond to my emails. She makes me feel like I can do it, and she holds me accountable. When I’m at it alone, I don’t cope very well.

Debra’s experience

Autism, ADHD; biracial cis woman; age 31; diagnosed at 28

I do find social demands overwhelming. It feels like I don’t live in the same world as neurotypicals and so the social demands feel very foreign and forced. In neurotypical social interactions, almost everything I do is scripted and it takes time to “rehearse” these scripts. During social interactions, there is so much information that I need to process in order to figure out how I am “supposed” to act. Not to mention that there is a lot of uncertainty in these situations which easily throws me off. I also have to spend a lot of time after a social interaction “decoding” what happened so that I know for next time how to better prepare. This whole cycle uses up a lot of my energy and causes me a lot of anxiety.

Shreddy’s experience

Autism, ADHD; cis-male; age 63; diagnosed at 58

Yes. I have a large family with many get-togethers. There are the holidays, but there are obligatory festivities for no particular reason, and they last half the day. I’ll watch for an opening to slink out but am most often stopped by, “You can’t leave before so-and-so gets here!” I’ll try to opt out when the gatherings get too close together. For example, I won’t be attending an engagement party for my nephew this Sunday but will attend my uncle’s birthday party on Saturday.

Hailey’s experience

Autism, alexithymia, anxiety; cis-female; age 24; diagnosed at 22

I am absolutely overwhelmed by social demands, especially if I am burnt out. I usually fall into burnout when I’ve been too busy, and socialization is one of the first things to go. If I’ve been too busy, it typically means I want to preserve the rare moments I have free for myself. I find it draining to talk to other people, even if the conversations are pleasant and enjoyable at the time or in theory. Engaging with someone means that I’m sharing information or emotions; I’m investing my time and energy into a shared experience with that person. During periods when I have sufficient energy, that exchange can be enjoyable and beautiful; however, once I’m exhausted, I don’t have any energy left to share with that person, even if I would like to talk to them. It would describe it as trying to go for a run immediately after running a marathon—I would assume that someone who ran a marathon is no stranger to running and even presumably enjoys it, yet immediately after running 42 kilometres, the same activity they usually enjoy is simply too much.

How do you deal with social demands being overwhelming and a need for connection?

Natalie’s experience

Autism, alexithymia, anxiety; cis-female; age 54; diagnosed at 46

Ironically when I got diagnosed with autism and started spending time with other autistics, I realized that I am quite a social person. I found being around people with whom I shared an interest and whom inherently understood me was healing and I stopped feeling isolated, different, and lonely. Being around people who are similar to myself and have similar pro-social behaviours has been beneficial for me. In addition I tend to meet with people in my home as I have created an optimal environment for myself, making socializing less stressful for myself.

Eva’s experience

Autism, ADHD, alexithymia; trans; age 35; diagnosed at 25

I’m not sure how I deal with social demands per se. I think historically I’ve shown a lot of avoidance. In some cases I forced myself to show up, such as attending a party my boss at the time hosted, where I didn’t feel I could say no. I showed up and tried to be as social as I could be—which is to say, not particularly social at all, but I tried to show some interest, ask some questions, and focus my efforts on trying to be as socially appropriate as possible.

In general, it’s a lot of fake it until you make it attitude—without ever getting to the ‘make it’ phase. I think that’s why it remains exhausting and draining, and it’s probably what puts the most significant constraint on my ability to make connections. Most friends I made are autistic themselves, and I think those relationships are more likely to flourish and survive because the social demands aren’t that high.

As for the overwhelm resulting from social demands, I guess for years I coped by smoking cannabis. Today, I no longer resort to the use of addictive substances, and I’m much better at regulating and giving myself the space to do that. But also, my social life is smaller now, so I have the privilege of having to deal with fewer social demands.

Debra’s experience

Autism, ADHD; biracial cis woman; age 31; diagnosed at 28

I prefer to connect with people one-on-one and in familiar and sensory-friendly places. This makes socializing a lot easier for me because I can focus on the person I am with instead of being distracted by everything going on around me and trying to navigate the systems in my surroundings (e.g., figuring out how to order food at a new restaurant is very taxing). One-on-one also demands less energy because it’s easier for me to figure out how to interact with one person compared to managing multiple different personalities and communication styles all interacting at the same time. It makes conversations simpler as well—it’s easier to find a topic that interests two people compared to a topic that interests a whole group of people.

But most of all, my preference is for connecting with other people who share similar identities to me. If I’m spending time with another neurodivergent/disabled person, and especially another neurodivergent and Asian person, I don’t have to worry about masking/camouflaging and I can be my authentic self. It’s also easier for me to ask for help when I need support because there is an automatic shared understanding. For example, if I suddenly need to stop hanging out because I’ve reached my social limit for the day, most other neurodivergent people understand and don’t feel offended when I ask to end our time together. I don’t have to waste energy and time justifying myself and my needs. We can also connect through having similar intense interests, support needs, and communication styles. When I prioritize these factors in relationships, I protect myself from experiencing burnout.

Shreddy’s experience

Autism, ADHD; cis-male; age 63; diagnosed at 58

Balance is sometimes not so readily had. The 3 primary factors include the weight or importance of an event (to me or others), its uniqueness, and its proximity to other obligations. The third can be overridden by combinations of the other two, and then the density of events is unavoidable. I’ll mitigate the effects by arriving later or leaving earlier, frequently stepping outside for a break from the din, wearing as comfortable as appropriate clothes, and driving myself. Because I don’t like to drive, I’ll ride with someone when significant distance is involved. The burden of travel also adds to the overwhelm and affects my recovery.

Hailey’s experience

Autism, alexithymia, anxiety; cis-female; age 24; diagnosed at 22

When social demands become overwhelming for me, I am very likely to pull away due to not having the capacity to respond or reach out to others. As I also have alexithymia, this can even occur without me realizing that I have done it. This can certainly become challenging, as while I have periods where I require little-to-no social interaction, I do crave some level of connection once I begin to overcome the burnout.

However, it can be tricky for me to reestablish relationships that I may not have tended to appropriately during the burnout. I recognize that I cannot expect others to always wait days, weeks, or months for me to be “ready” to interact, but it can still be confusing and distressing after the fact. With that all said, as an autistic person in a long-term relationship, I feel that I am in a fortunate position. During those periods of burnout, my partner is generally enough to fulfill my social needs, and after those periods of burnout, I may go out of my way to spend even more time with them. I am also fortunate to have people to surround myself with who can generally understand my needs. As my friends are often autistic themselves, they frequently even share those needs, albeit not necessarily at the same time.