Written by:
March 25, 2020
Category: 

Disappointing your parents

Last updated on February 15, 2021

A Tweet by Gin has been popping up in various autism groups on Facebook. I also want to share it, because I think it’s an important message, perhaps in particular in relation to autistic people.

I wouldn’t say we definitely didn’t disappoint our parents—we might have. But should we live up to our parents’ expectations?


Mismatch of expectations

It’s crucial that parents’ expectations make sense in relation to the child—and arguably also to the child, within reason. If there is no connection between parents’ expectations and the abilities, interests, and idiosyncrasies of the child, then the risk is that:

  • The child tries to meet the parents’ expectations, and ends up living for someone else’s benefit. It is not sustainable.
  • The child grows up feeling like they lack worth or they just feel alien, as they are unable to live up to other people’s expectations.
  • The child grows up thinking you ought to live up to other people’s expectations, thus making their value dependent on external factors.
  • The child grows up internalizing your judgments, leading to self-judgment and self-criticism.

None of this is sustainable, and you will be crushed under the weight of things if you try and continually fail to meet your parents’ expectations.

Research from 2005 shows that performance expectations from parents and other social expectations, combined with a negative attachment orientation, leads to maladaptive perfectionism.[1]Parental/Social Influences on Perfectionism and Adult Attachment Orientations (Rice, Lopez, & Vergara, 2005) A different study from the same year showed that self-criticism is a significant predictor of:[2]Specific perfectionism components versus self-criticism in predicting maladjustment (Dunkley, Zuroff, & Blankstein, 2005)

For more information on—and my own experience with—self-critical perfectionism, read my post below.

Self-judgment

Disappointing parents

So if you feel you have disappointed your parents, do try to let go of the notion that it matters. I understand we want to please the people we look up to, and we want them to approve of us. But long-term you are going to feel a lot better if you live on your own terms.

If you are a parent and you have a lot of expectations of your child, do consider whether those expectations are actually a good match for your child. Note that there is nothing wrong with having expectations per se, although the inherent risk of expectations is that they make us unhappy when they aren’t met. Expectations can also make others dependant on your validation. So for the sake of your wellbeing as well as your child’s, it is crucial how you manage your expectations.

Also have a look at:

Nurturing autistic children

I am not a parent myself—just a child. If you are a parent, I would love to know what you think, and how you deal with having expectations that don’t match your child’s interests and capabilities. I can imagine that is difficult to deal with as well.

 

References

This article
was written by:
martin-silvertant
Co-founder of Embrace Autism, and living up to my surname as a silver award-winning graphic designer. Besides running Embrace Autism and researching autism, I love typography and practice type design. I also fight dodecahedragons during sleep onset. I discovered I’m autistic when I was 19, and was diagnosed at 25. PS: I am trans, and Martin is my dead name. For articles under my current name, have a look at Eva Silvertant’s content.

Disclaimer

Although our content is generally well-researched
and substantiated, or based on personal experience,
note that it does not constitute medical advice.

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Land acknowledgement

Embrace Autism recognizes and acknowledges the traditional lands of the Indigenous peoples across Ontario. From the lands of the Anishinaabe to the Attawandaron and Haudenosaunee, these lands surrounding the Great Lakes are steeped in First Nations history. We are in solidarity with Indigenous brothers and sisters to honour and respect Mother Earth. We acknowledge and give gratitude for the wisdom of the Grandfathers and the four winds that carry the spirits of our ancestors that walked this land before us. Embrace Autism is located on the Treaty Lands and Territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit. We acknowledge and thank the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation—the Treaty holders—for being stewards of this traditional territory.

A First Nations symbol, consisting of a Sun surrounded by four Eagle feathers.

Land acknowledgement

Embrace Autism recognizes and acknowledges the traditional lands of the Indigenous peoples across Ontario. From the lands of the Anishinaabe to the Attawandaron and Haudenosaunee, these lands surrounding the Great Lakes are steeped in First Nations history. We are in solidarity with Indigenous brothers and sisters to honour and respect Mother Earth. We acknowledge and give gratitude for the wisdom of the Grandfathers and the four winds that carry the spirits of our ancestors that walked this land before us. Embrace Autism is located on the Treaty Lands and Territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit. We acknowledge and thank the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation—the Treaty holders—for being stewards of this traditional territory.

A First Nations symbol, consisting of a Sun surrounded by four Eagle feathers.
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