September 7, 2018
Category: 

Do autistic people miss others?

Last updated on May 26, 2023

One thing I find very different about my neurology is that I do not miss people that I stop interacting with.

I mean absolutely no one.


There is a reason I find it peculiar. My feelings for a person are like a light switch.

Embrace Autism | Do autistic people miss others? | illustration missing1
Now you’re on my mind.

They are on or off—I have no middle ground.

Embrace Autism | Do autistic people miss others? | illustration missing2
And now you’re not…

That is not even the part that I find the most unusual. When someone is my friend, I can not imagine my life without them. I love them with abandon. I am super attentive.

But when I get to the end of my rope, or if someone moves away, etc. Then my feelings for them cease. I have neither bad or good feelings, just no feelings.

Embrace Autism | Do autistic people miss others? | illustration strangers

Over time I have come to accept myself this way. It eases my sadness or sore heart (which I experience physically) when I remind myself of this when someone I love is leaving.

People become special interests to me. Or they are required in my life for one reason or another. I guess I am pretty black and white about it.

As a therapist who works primarily with trauma, it helps me because I care deeply and fully without distraction when I am with a person, but do not get burned out when away from them.


Some people that I have known break the contract that I have given them. And that for me means no contact. I am not judgemental and I am a good friend, but if a person breaks a boundary, life has taught me just to let them go. I get way too hurt, and if a person does not get me, then it is very very unlikely that they ever will.


Because I am autistic I have space for only a very few people/beings in my life.

  1. I find socializing with anyone but Martin exhausting; and
  2. People become my special interest…

I drove Martin slightly mad in the beginning. I wanted to learn everything. Endless questions that I think felt invasive at times—what are you eating, what are you thinking about…but Martin understood, well that I was autistic and that I wanted to understand him so that I could understand him.


I do care about people, like the man at the corner store. I know his wife has cancer, and I remember asking him how she is doing. I feel very sad for him. My empathy is on or off. If I am with you, it is on, if I am away from you it is off. I simply could not exist in any other way. No one could exist feeling as much as I do without some mechanism that turns off all the care.

7 billion people that I want to be happy—an impossible task!


The people that do occupy my mind when I stop interacting with them are people that I have had in my life and had to remove because they have been unkind to me in one way or another. I never want them to be unhappy. It makes me unhappy. So I tend to obsess a fair amount about them.


My life is pretty perfect right now. I adore Martin. I adore him like crazy. I love how he looks smells, smiles, thinks, walks, dresses, interacts…yes he is my special interest…and you know he is what I had hoped and wished for when I was 16 someone who would treat me kindly and adore me and for whom I would matter more than anything.

Then there is my son who I care for, and my dog also.

And that for me is more than enough people/beings that I care for.


So long answer short…I don’t miss people who I stop interacting with—I have a good cry and then turn my attention elsewhere.

References

This article
was written by:
dr-natalie-engelbrecht
Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht ND RP is a dually licensed naturopathic doctor and registered psychotherapist, and a Canadian leader in trauma, PTSD, and integrative medicine strictly informed by scientific research. She was diagnosed at 46, and her autism plays a significant role in who she is as a doctor, and how she interacts with and cares for her patients and clients.

Disclaimer

Although our content is generally well-researched
and substantiated, or based on personal experience,
note that it does not constitute medical advice.

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Land acknowledgement

Embrace Autism recognizes and acknowledges the traditional lands of the Indigenous peoples across Ontario. From the lands of the Anishinaabe to the Attawandaron and Haudenosaunee, these lands surrounding the Great Lakes are steeped in First Nations history. We are in solidarity with Indigenous brothers and sisters to honour and respect Mother Earth. We acknowledge and give gratitude for the wisdom of the Grandfathers and the four winds that carry the spirits of our ancestors that walked this land before us. Embrace Autism is located on the Treaty Lands and Territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit. We acknowledge and thank the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation—the Treaty holders—for being stewards of this traditional territory.

A First Nations symbol, consisting of a Sun surrounded by four Eagle feathers.

Land acknowledgement

Embrace Autism recognizes and acknowledges the traditional lands of the Indigenous peoples across Ontario. From the lands of the Anishinaabe to the Attawandaron and Haudenosaunee, these lands surrounding the Great Lakes are steeped in First Nations history. We are in solidarity with Indigenous brothers and sisters to honour and respect Mother Earth. We acknowledge and give gratitude for the wisdom of the Grandfathers and the four winds that carry the spirits of our ancestors that walked this land before us. Embrace Autism is located on the Treaty Lands and Territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit. We acknowledge and thank the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation—the Treaty holders—for being stewards of this traditional territory.

A First Nations symbol, consisting of a Sun surrounded by four Eagle feathers.
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