Helping your child navigate their gender

I was contacted by a mother who read my posts on my experience with gender dysphoria and being trans (see Autism, transness, & gender identity Part 1 & Part 2) and was both fascinated and touched by them. As she has a child with gender dysphoria herself, she asked me for advice on how she could best help her young child navigate their gender.

In this article, I will touch upon some of the following things this wonderfully loving and accepting mother inquired about:

• Is it just a phase or not?
• How can you withstand negative messages from society for accepting your child as they are?
• And how can you protect them from those negative messages, and people questioning and dismissing them?
• Is there anything you can do or say to your child with gender dysphoria that will make a difference to them?
• Where can a parent get more advice on how to navigate this, when even professionals dismiss the topic due to your child being too young?

Acceptance, love & support

I should first state that although I’m a step-parent of a 21-year-old, I never raised children of my own, so I lack experience and knowledge of the parent perspective. But I can speak based on what my needs have been as a child, and based on general observations.

You’re probably not going to be able to protect your child from all judgments from society, but having supportive parents makes a world of difference. Your kid will know that irrespective of what peers and other ugly people may say, they can feel safe with their parents. Both for trans people and autistic people, having a support network is really significant for their/our mental health.

I was too scared to come out as trans to my parents until I was 19, in part because I grew up with my dad making a lot of homophobic jokes which made me feel unsafe to share that I’m different.

Now as an adult, I don’t rely on my parents’ validation much anymore, but since my transition, my dad reduced contact with me and has never said anything about my appearance, so I know he has problems with my transition even though he offered some superficial support by telling me I have to do what makes me happy. That felt significant when he initially said it; but the more I thought about it, the more I found it lacking. My takeaway is that he more or less tolerates me and my choices, rather than sharing my happiness like my mom does. It has created a distance between us, culminating in me breaking contact with him last year when it became too painful for me. And although I still carry that pain, I’m so thankful that my mom has always been supportive of me. I find it so sad to see other trans people who get rejected by their parents. It pains us even as adults.

So the best advice I can give is to make sure your child knows they can feel safe with you; that they will be accepted and loved irrespective of who they are and whether or not they decide to transition. Make sure they know your love is unconditional!

Giving your child autonomy

I’ve also seen some parents who get a bit too excited about their child transitioning, and in their eagerness to support their child push them in a particular direction in terms of transitioning and such. I think this can be dangerous, as it can give the child the sense they will disappoint their parents if they don’t go through with the transition.

Not every person with gender dysphoria necessarily has a need to transition, so I would probably just give your kid time to explore who they are and what their needs and wants are.

I showed feminine behaviors, preferences, and proclivities since as young as 3, or possibly even earlier; and I started having female embodiment fantasies when I was around 8; and although I had growing gender dysphoria in my teens, I repressed and suppressed a lot of this, and it wasn’t until I was 19 that I could fully acknowledge that I’m trans. I felt ready to pursue HRT when I was 22, and my mom supported me in that; she made an appointment for me and came with me to the first appointment. So although I think it would have helped me if I had known about trans people and transitioning sooner and had people to guide me, in hindsight I do appreciate the fact that I had all the time to explore my feelings, desires, and needs around my gender dysphoria. Had I been given more guidance, I could have been spared a lot of confusion, shame, and pain; but having autonomy and space to develop is important as well.

So I guess support your child’s needs as they present themselves. Don’t inadvertently push them in any direction—either by telling them they should pursue HRT or dress according to their gender, or by telling them they shouldn’t.

Gender dysphoria & desistance

It should be noted that there can be varied reasons for gender dysphoria; in some cases, gender dysphoria resolves itself either naturally or with clinical treatment (if the source of gender dysphoria is trauma, for instance), although exact figures on the prevalence of so-called desistance (the technical term for no longer pursuing gender-affirming treatment) aren’t known as far as I’m aware.

One systematic literature review from 2022 noted that 83% of youth with gender dysphoria desisted, but they note varied definitions of desistance and poor quality of research.^[1]Defining Desistance: Exploring Desistance in Transgender and Gender Expansive Youth Through Systematic Literature Review (Karrington, 2022)

A paper from 2022 also notes that the academic literature has been critical of the notion that over 80% of trans and gender creative children will grow up cisgender (meaning no longer showing incongruence between their gender and their sex), and further state the following which I think is important to highlight:^[2]The clinical irrelevance of “desistance” research for transgender and gender creative youth (Ashley, 2022)

• Desistance does not provide reasons against prepubertal social transition or peripubertal medical transition
• Transition for “desisters” is not comparably harmful to delays for trans youth
• The wait-and-see and corrective models of care are harmful to youth who will grow up cis

I think this further highlights how challenging it can be to navigate your child’s gender if they experience gender dysphoria. Their need for gender-affirming care isn’t necessarily clear when they’re young, but I’m not sure this is something you should worry about prematurely; explore gender-affirming care when the need for it truly arises, either in the form of hormone replacement therapy (HRT), or possibly by delaying puberty with puberty blockers to give your child more time to make a decision on whether to pursue HRT.

Having said that, I think your child should be given space to explore both their gender and their gender expression. Even if gender-affirming care isn’t appropriate treatment, your child may feel best with gender nonconformity. Just as with gender dysphoria, gender variance and gender nonconformity are more prevalent in the autistic community.^[3]Brief Report: Links Between Nonconformity to Gender Norms, Autistic Features, and Internalizing Symptoms in a Non-clinical College Sample (Schiltz et al., 2021)^[4]The intersection of autism and gender in the negotiation of identity: A systematic review and metasynthesis (Moore, Morgan, & Russell, 2022)

More information

As for who you could talk to for more advice, I’m not really sure. I would think gender clinics have the knowledge to guide you and your child, but I don’t know whether or not they can be too quick to guide people through the process.

Gender clinics

When I went to the gender clinic at 22, I went through a comprehensive assessment and stayed in therapy with them for 2 years before they sent me away because I couldn’t adhere to their protocol of dressing in women’s clothes for 3 months to prove HRT is an appropriate treatment for me. When I tried again at 32, I had an online assessment that took 1 hour before the doctors decided HRT would indeed be appropriate treatment for me. And it definitely was, but if I were in my teens, I would have needed more guidance. I don’t know if they would have offered more guidance had I been younger, and whether it depends on where you live.

For reference, my first assessment was done in the Netherlands about 13 years ago, while my second assessment was done in Canada 2 years ago. Protocols have changed a lot since a decade ago, in both countries. The dress protocol I mentioned was followed by both countries, but has since been abandoned, as there should be no dress requirements for getting medical treatment; you should be able to dress however you like irrespective of your sex or gender.

It’s also possible that my second assessment was so short because I’m an adult with a long track record of gender dysphoria and a strong desire and need to transition.

Either way, I think you will get more clarity on the current protocols with respect to young people with gender dysphoria by inquiring at gender clinics. They may be able to refer you to people who can offer guidance in the period before gender-affirming care.

Referrals

I don’t know that I really understand the current medical landscape with respect to addressing the needs of people with gender dysphoria, but I imagine your family doctor could refer you to someone who can offer more guidance or information as well.

Support groups

Alternatively or additionally, perhaps join support groups for parents with children with gender dysphoria who could help you navigate your child’s gender and associated wants and needs; or join support groups for trans people and their allies, as its members may be able to offer more information about their own experiences, both with their trans experience through childhood as well as their experience with the clinical process of gender-affirming care.

Therapist

If you or your child has a need to talk with a therapist, I would look for someone who has experience working with trans people. My therapist is trans herself, and although I’m not in therapy for trans issues, it’s really nice that I can talk with someone who better understands my experiences. So maybe your best bet is someone who has first-hand experience of gender dysphoria, as well as the clinical expertise to help you and your child navigate this.